“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5a NKJV
Another one of my kids just turned eighteen years old today. It may sound stupid to say like all the others do but the time really does fly by. The days may seem long, but the years are indeed very short. Life moves fast. This is especially true when your kids are young and in diapers and always into something. Looking back on those early days, I can honestly say that I wasn’t unprepared to be a dad. Having said that, there are a host of things that are crystal clear now that may not have been so back then. Here are my top ten things that I wish I knew, at least much better than otherwise, when I became a dad:
1. Children are not only a gift but a stewardship responsibility from the hand and heart of God.
Every God-fearing man, who is a genuine Christian, affirms that every one of his kids is a gift from Almighty God. Not every Christian dad understands that his kids have been entrusted to him as a stewardship responsibility though. What this means is that our children have been given to us by the hand of God as a gift from His heart for which we will give an account before Him one day. In other words, the time, talent, and treasure of our kids’ lives is precious in the sight of God and ought to be wisely invested in eternity according to biblical priorities. As we faithfully do so, it is for the good of our children and the glory, praise, and honor of our great God and Savior who is the Author of life. See Ps.127:1-5; Mal.2:15; 2 Cor.5:10; Titus 2:1-5.
2. Parents are in charge of the physical well-being of their kids.
Lori and I have been blessed with a variety of birth experiences. I distinctly remember leaving a hospital carrying our newborn baby in a car seat to our van parked near the entrance. It was surreal and absolutely incredible because there was no one at the door stopping us from taking this person home with us. Of course, all that official paperwork was taken care of beforehand, but the heart of the matter is that this baby belonged to us. As dad and mom, we were in charge and responsible for the physical well-being of this new addition to our family. Whereas we can glean much from those whose lives have been devoted to early-child development, especially in the event of a major medical emergency, parents would do well to understand that no so-called experts know better what our children need than we do. Faithfully caring for our kids by feeding and clothing them well is not the state’s job but dad’s job. See Gen.1:27-28; Neh.4:14; Mat.7:9-11; 1 Tim.5:8.
3. Parents are in charge of the spiritual well-being of their kids.
Every baby conceived in a mother’s womb is a precious gift from God. Regardless of the circumstances, children are a blessing; an unalloyed good in His sight. They are a miracle as every human life is sacred. As image-bearers of the Creator, our children possess a soul and spirit that will live forever in the eternal bliss of heaven or the eternal torment of hell. Caring for the physical needs of our kids is one thing but ministering to their spiritual well-being is quite another thing. Dads are in the driver seat at the helm of the ship as we have been appointed by the Most High God to be the spiritual leaders and shepherds of our children’s souls. Parents, particularly dads, are in charge of making sure that our kids learn the historical narratives, doctrinal teachings, moral principles, and practical applications of the Bible as it is God’s Word. Perhaps the most proactive way that dads can make sure this happens is by leading a regular time of Family Worship. This consists of three basic things: 1. Read the Bible, 2. Sing, and 3. Pray. Prior to doing so, be sure that such spiritual disciplines are a reality in your own walk with God first by utilizing something like the One Year Bible. See Gen.18:19; Deut.6:4-9; Ps.78:1-8; 1 Thes.2:11-12.
4. Be resolved to do what God would have you do in raising your kids, according to Holy Scripture, regardless of what others are doing.
There is tremendous pressure upon parents to conform to acceptable patterns that are deemed consistent with what it means to be a good parent in today’s day and age, which includes the culture of the modern church. Everyone of us ought to be grateful for well-meaning family and friends who intend to help us by sharing advice or providing input to certain challenges that we will inevitably face. Having said that, parents should take our primary cues from sound biblical wisdom versus the pragmatic ideas of pundits who assert that the latest and greatest fad will be the magic formula that we have always been waiting for. Be willing to stand alone with resolute biblical convictions and a clear conscience before God. Whether it is your family’s standards for media consumption, medical decisions, educational choices, or sports involvement, be resolved to do what God would have you do. In doing so, be sure that your countenance exudes a joy-filled confidence, in total dependency upon Christ, and not any kind of prideful or arrogant attitude. See Ps.1:1-6; Pr.13:20; 2 Cor.10:3-5; Col.2:8-10.
5. Biblical goal of education is moral and spiritual development not academic, athletic, or social.
The first time that I ever recall hearing this was back in my days of training for ministry at Berean Bible Institute in Wisconsin. At that time, I worked at a group home caring for three severely handicapped men. Whenever I drove one of them to their special needs workplace for the day in my 1993 Chevy Lumina, I remember listening to a teaching series on cassette tape by Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis. One of the lessons focused on raising godly kids in an ungodly world and emphasized that the biblical goal of education is moral and spiritual. Mr. Ham declared that “I would rather have my kids be ditchdiggers knowing Jesus Christ than be rich men without Him.” All parents who profess Christ as Savior would affirm this truth but in practice it seems like many are saying otherwise. This is evidenced by the time allotment of our weekly schedule being given over such things as a secular educational environment (i.e. government or public schools), youth sports leagues (i.e. especially the traveling teams), and myriads of screen time distractions via social media. May God’s Spirit open our eyes to the biblical and Christian worldview priorities that ought to be at the forefront of our children’s educational experience. See Pr.1:1-7; Rom.11:33-12:2; Eph.5:15-17; 6:4.
6. Unstructured play time with basic toys (no digital devices or screens) is ideal for healthy cognitive development in childhood.
Gone are the days when kids were “chomping at the bit” to run and jump and play outside with nothing but sticks and sunshine and their creative imagination. Back in the mid-1980s, we had what we simply called “the dirt pile” in my parents’ front yard area. This primitive mound of earth was certainly not sophisticated, but it literally housed multiple hours of unstructured play time every day for a young boy like myself. Armed with Hot Wheels cars, Tonka trucks, and Army men, that pile of dirt was literally chock full of countless adventures for a rambunctious kid who was often filthy dirty and sometimes even caked in mud. Suffice it to say that my parents did not stockpile my proverbial toy box with digital devices, tech gadgets, and flashing screens and thus unwittingly fuel a diagnosis of being ADHD which is quite often just a case of B.O.Y. In the modern digital age of the mid-twenty first century, parents need a colossal amount of confidence to raise their young children without unnecessary dependence on technology. For the sake of cultivating healthy cognitive development in early childhood and throughout their formative years, severely limit your kids’ screentime. See Zech.8:5; 1 Cor.13:11; “The Tech Exit: A Practical Guide to Freeing Kids and Teens from Smartphones” by Clare Morell and “Create a Better Brain Through Neuroplasticity” by Debi Pearl
7. Cultivate self-control in young children through blanket-time, suppertime, and basic sign language.
“How did you do that?” is a question that well-behaved children may garner from your friends. Others may naively quip that “You’re lucky!” Sometimes such an assessment may actually be a salve for a guilty conscience over their own negligence as a parent. The heart of it is that well-behaved children are the fruit of a whole lot of hard work on the part of diligent parents who are laboring in the trenches of the early years with their kids. Faithfully training children in obedience and cultivating such virtues as self-control can only be done through dependence on God to work, by His mercy and grace, in the hearts of our kids even as we point them to the One who entrusted their lives unto us as a stewardship. As we do so, very simple tools like blanket-time where a child is placed on a blanket to play with a few toys and consistently replaced there whenever they wander off, along with a gentle correction, teaches them to obey and stay on the blanket. Similarly, whenever the family gathers around the dining room table for a home-cooked meal, children in highchairs or booster seats are taught self-control and obedience to their parents who are in charge. In tandem with meal times, basic sign language equips young children with the tools to communicate before they are able to verbally do so. This also helps parents to better understand our children and for our children to not be frustrated with us as demonstrated by pitching a fit. A simple “please” (hand brushing the chest) or “more” (fingers of both hands touching each other) or “thank you” (fingers touching the chin) or “all done” (both hands waving in the air) are practical tools of communication that will help your child be happy and content with your love and care for them. See Eph.6:1; “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp and “Growing Kids God’s Way” by Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo
8. Give your children the gift of being a life-long learner by snuggling together and reading printed books aloud to them early and often.
Parents care about their kids’ education. Parents also know intuitively that reading is central to a good education. Unfortunately, parents oftentimes struggle with getting their kids to enjoy reading though. Many parents underestimate the sway of tremendous influence they wield over their kids especially when it comes to reading. Parents should especially pray that God’s Spirit would ignite a hunger, thirst, and passion for reading in the hearts of their kids. Parents who intentionally cultivate this kind of “forward-leaning mind” in their kids are giving them something greater than merely being literate. By the grace of God, this is really about the spiritual discipline and heart-level devotion of being a life-long learner through the means of robust printed literature to the praise of His glory in Christ Jesus. Throughout Holy Scripture, parents, especially dads, are instructed to verbally communicate the all-glorious truths of who GOD is and what He has done in history to our children and grandchildren. If we neglect to do so, such dereliction of duty will set the stage for the rebel hearts of our children to forget the majesty and grace of Him who is worthy of all praise. Scientific research is definitively clear regarding the benefits of reading aloud to our children including cognitive development, neurological plasticity, precious memories, and emotional connection at the level of the heart. Make time for it and just do it! See Pr.4:1-6; 1 Tim.4:12-13; 2 Tim.3:15; “The Read-Aloud Family: Make Meaningful and Lasting Connections with Your Kids” by Sarah Mackenzie.
9. Bring your kids to church and worship together as a family in the intergenerational company of God’s people.
My wife and I both grew up in churches where children were intentionally welcomed into the worship service as they sat together with their parents throughout the entire event and not systematically removed for any or all of the service as many modern churches do today. In fact, Rob Rienow emphasized that “children being in church together with their parents for worship is both the biblical pattern and historical precedent. Churches should therefore intentionally call parents to bring their children to church.”[i] Having ministered in churches, camps, and conferences all over the United States and overseas in Southeast Asia, my fear is that many churches have unwittingly trained the next generation to eventually leave church because many children were very seldom ever in the corporate worship service as a kid. Did I “get anything” out of being in church all those many years ago? Do I remember a thing about any of those sermons? Was I upset because there was rarely anything “on my level” outside of an occasional children’s sermon where all of us kids would gather around the pastor up front? While that may not be the case, what the Lord did give my little heart was a megadose of learning that life is not about my childish whims or self-centered happiness but something far greater than myself. Parents today would do well to teach their children the transcendent virtue of corporate worship together as a family in the intergenerational company of God’s people any given Sunday. See “The Family at Church: How Parents are Tour Guides for Joy” by Scott T. Brown and “This is Why Children Should Be in the Entire Worship Service” by Timothy Board
10. Men, husbands, and fathers should proactively love their wives and the mothers of their children by doing such things like going regular dates out together.
Almighty God has divinely ordained that men are the leaders of their families. Men are responsible to sacrificially love their wives as a living demonstration of Christ who loved the church and gave Himself for it. As men lead in love, we are to faithfully provide for our wives everything they need and protect them from everything that threatens them from flourishing into full-bloom day by day. Men must always remember and never forget the early days of our relationship when quality time together was like a magnetic pull that drew our hearts throughout the day until we were, once again, in the warmth of each other’s presence. Years later, men must continue to pursue the hearts of our wives by the simplicity of just holding hands together for a walk in the neighborhood, an inexpensive lunch out, or perhaps even a picnic of PB&J at a local park. If we do not intentionally pursue oneness together as a couple, then the flesh, the world, and the devil will see to it that we inevitably drift toward isolation from one another. Unfortunately, this is one of the sad reasons that many couples divorce after the kids leave home. Oh, that a mighty host of Christ-built warrior poets would rather die altogether as well as to sin and self before they ever “deal treacherously with the wife of [our] youth” (Mal.3:15b). See Gen.2:24; Song.2:16; 6:3; Mat.19:4-6; Eph.5:15-33.
BONUS: Pray for your kids, by name, every day. This is perhaps the most significant thing that I wish I knew, much more so than otherwise, when I became a dad over twenty years ago. Pray for their salvation at a young age. Pray that God blesses them with a dynamic life purpose. Pray for them in the spirit of Luke 2:40 and 2:52. In other words, pray for them holistically which includes their intellectual development, physical growth, spiritual maturity, and understanding of social graces. Pray for them in the spirit of the Pauline prayers of Ephesians 3:14-21 and Philippians 1:9-11 and Colossians 1:9-11 by inserting their names right into the text of Holy Scripture. May the Lord bless them with greater wisdom, vision, and courage as they trust the Lord to lead, guide, and direct the pathway of their lives with His mighty hand and outstretched arm. Pray for their future spouses and the families in which they are being raised. Ask God to bring them together in His perfect timing and that He would use them to raise up a godly generation who fears and honors the Lord Jesus Christ for the glory of His name and the good of multitudes even unto the ends of the earth. See “Big, Bold, Biblical Prayers for the Next Generation” by David Michael.
Recommended Resources:
- “King Me: What Every Son Wants and Needs from His Father” by Steve Farrar
- “The Resolution for Men” by Stephen & Alex Kendrick
- “Family Driven Faith: Doing What It Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters to Walk with God” by Voddie Baucham
- “The Most Important Place on Earth: What a Christian Home Looks Like and How to Build One” by Robert Wolgemuth
- Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences – Save 50% off registration with Coupon Code: TimLoriBoard. Check out FamilyLife.com for more information.
- “Biblical Principles of Family Life” at www.BereanBibleInstitute.org
- “AWE: Why It Matters for Everything We Think, Say, & Do” by Paul David Tripp
[i] Rob Rienow, Visionary Church: How Your Church Can Strengthen Families. (Nashville, TN: Randall House Publications, 2021), 329-343.
